Lonely Part One
The Dorm Room Episode
I sit here on the scratchy carpet and I see you. I kneel before you, wishing you knew you aren’t alone.
I saw how he ended things and left last night, ignoring your pleas for one more try. The last time it would be you and him in this life.
I hear your music: Avril Lavigne is just the right witness for this broken-hearted, lonely love-rage.
I hold your hand as you cry. I scratch your back and whisper “ssshhhhh”. I am the big spoon, holding you around your waist, absorbing the shaking. I hand you another Mint Oreo and pass you the orange juice so you can continue to drink it straight from the carton.
As you oscillate between screaming into your pink pillows and exhausting into sleep, I see how beautiful you are- even with your tear-and-mascara-stained cheeks. How deeply you feel and how you love. And how no love has ever been able to meet you in your depth. I wish you could see what you carry as the beautiful gift it is, and I hope no one else ever thinks of it as too much again.
As you sleep, I listen to the silence in this dorm room. The only one with any life in it. The one where someone was forgotten by friends and loved ones, only a few exits down the freeway, enjoying the holiday season without remembering that you need to be a part of something, too.
I see your bravery for staying here when no one else did. I count the days with you until other students return. Not that we’re looking forward to it, but to give us something to attach time to. We know how many hours are left before we need to pull it together. For now, we can just puddle.
Cry, baby girl. Let it hurt. Feel it all the way down. Feel all the ways and times someone couldn’t love you the way you needed. All the times you faced the hard thing without a witness. Rage for the unfairness of having been left alone- again. Let it smash into soil. Let the salt wash it out. This moment is human. I wish you knew how much.
You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. Because I love you. I see you. And you are never really alone.